We all want to belong, to be a part of something greater than ourselves. Belonging gives us meaning, a purpose. But what if you don't belong? What if you never will?
What do you do? How should you feel?
I’ve asked myself these questions for as long as I can remember. As a child, belonging was never something I felt.
‘Why am I not like other kids?’ I would ask myself.
There was never an answer.
I couldn’t quite relate to the boys in my classes, nor to the girls. It felt like I existed somewhere in-between, like when you’re a child and you decide to mix the red and blue slush puppies together to make purple.
To everyone around me, I was this enigma, this weirdo. No-one understood me and I certainly didn’t understand them. Now, I know that this feeling is due to me being Autistic.
Personality
What if you have a personality disorder? If you have a personality disorder, your personality may never be consistent. Instead, it’s in a state of flux, with different aspects of your personality coming out at different times.
Or, perhaps you have multiple personalities- it happens, after all. I wondered how such individuals would get on with others and how their personalities would come across to others.
Or, perhaps you have multiple personalities- it happens, after all. I wondered how such individuals would get on with others and how their personalities would come across to others.
Five years ago, I was diagnosed
with Borderline Personality Disorder
Until recently, I was in complete denial about this other diagnosis. Diagnosed when I was nineteen, I didn’t really understand what BPD (also known as Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder) was or how I should go about my life, post-diagnosis.
Nobody offered me any therapy or resources. I was simply left with a label, and not just any label, but one for a mental illness which is seriously misunderstood, even today.
Part of having BPD is having an unstable sense of self. As such, my identity was never clear to me. I would stare at my reflection in the mirror for ages and not be able to recognise the person looking back.
To this day, I still can’t. Recently, I've learned that this is in part due to bottom-up processing, where you take in sensory details but struggle to piece them together to form a whole picture. I can see my face and I know it is mine but it still feels like I'm looking at a stranger.
Strange, huh?
A lot has changed for me these past five years, but now I’ve begun to accept my BPD diagnosis. I feel more authentic than ever before because I'm finally able to accept myself for who I am.
I want to write my own truth, to share it with each of you, as I hope I will learn some of your truths over time. Although I find being vulnerable difficult, I think it’s a crucial part of the belonging process. Maybe by sharing the parts of us no-one else sees (the parts behind the mask we show society), we can find our own niche in which to belong.
No matter what you may struggle with, somewhere out there, there is a place where you can belong. You just have to go and find it.
