After reading several articles on how doctors want to ‘treat’ Autism, I thought I’d share how it actually feels to be Autistic, from my personal experience.
An Unknown Autistic Childhood
As a child, I was probably one of the happiest kids you’d ever meet: temperamental sure, but incredibly happy and eccentric. I found everything I saw fascinating, from architecture to art, books- you name it. I even found other people fascinating because they seemed so different to me and I really wanted to know why.
I never actually knew that I was Autistic, not until I was an adult. I knew I was different, certainly but I couldn’t explain why if my life had depended on it. Being outside for more than an hour was difficult: everything felt really intense to my senses and still does, to the point where I would have meltdowns several times a day. Not fun.
Anxiety & Autism:
Professionals have no clue
I was reading an article this morning about anxiety in Autistic people. This article discussed ideas on how to reduce anxiety in Autistic people, but it was the methods proposed that made me want to cry. Their idea was to dope us all up with different medications and to try and change our general behaviours to have us act like non-Autistic people.
I actually get rather angry when these articles crop up because there’s always this strong opinion that Autistic people need to be like everyone else and that’s a pretty difficult thing to measure up to when your brain is structured differently.
Professionals seem to think that our anxiety is an inherent part of being Autistic and while I agree to an extent, I can explain from experience why this might be.
When I got to secondary school, I was made very aware that I was different from my peers: I would be made fun of for acting different, for not understanding social norms, and for being different in general.
It got to the point where I felt ‘wrong’ for being me, for reacting to things in a way that was normal for me. Anxiety became a major factor in my life because there’s this strong idea that Autistic people need to ‘act’ normal.
Masking: A common behaviour of girls on the Autism spectrum
This idea that Autistic people should try to act like everyone else and mask their traits has stuck with me throughout my life. When I go out among the general public, I am terrified of anyone finding out I’m Autistic, or of them staring at me if I can’t mask my Autistic behaviours. Inside, I have been made to feel ‘wrong’ my whole life and quite frankly, I’m sick of it.
I am who I am, Autism and all, and I only get more anxious when I can’t soothe myself or calm myself down in ways that work for me. If I want to ‘stim’ as it’s referred to, people are going to look at me like I’m weird, so I don’t, and so the anxiety grows.
As an Autistic person, I feel like you just can’t win. Try and soothe your anxiety and people judge and ridicule you. Don’t and you’re likely to feel overwhelmed, to the point of breaking down repeatedly.
I have so many unique perspectives that I’d love to share with the world, so many gifts and strengths I could bring to the table. All people seem to see is the stereotype of Autism, of young boys who are obsessed with numbers and don’t have any ability to socialise.
Please, no stereotypes
You can’t put all Autistic people into a bubble and say, that’s you. It’s ridiculous. I recently came across a blog that made me feel like an actual person: the lady who runs it has created a Myer’s Briggs type personality list for those on the spectrum and it’s incredibly accurate.
Every Autistic person is different and has so much to offer the world but the world continuously puts us down because we are different. When a charity claims to be there for us, we aren’t even allowed to speak for ourselves. We are seen as diseased, broken, or somehow defective. But, the thing is, we aren’t! Not even close. We are people that deserve to be treated as individuals, like anyone else.
I am nobody’s stereotype. I love getting to know other people, I just get anxious and discombobulated around others in case they’re just as judgemental as many others have been in my life. My thoughts work on a tangent, meaning that I may not appear consistent but if you give me a chance, I can be the best friend you’ve ever had. I’ll be there for you whenever you need me because I know how it feels to be alone.
I apologize if this post has been a bit fragmented. So many thoughts, so little time.
Have a great day, Dax.
